A New Beginning
So here I am, starting a new blog apart from my old, rather notable one that has been dead for going on a year. In part, I intend for this to be a type of therapy: I am a 26 year old PhD student at a prestigious university on the eve of completing my oral examinations, after which I am clear to finish my working on my specializations with a clear mind. Since I now see this as such a trying time in my life, I have a desire to record my thoughts during these last few days for posterity. I offer this blog to the world both to share and simply to find any kind of advice.
The main question that comes to mind: is this what I'm supposed to be doing? I am good at what I do--I wouldn't be here were I not. But now, after six years at university, after quarters and semesters and reading until my head hurts, I find myself unable to give my work the attention I should. In fact, I find myself spending time with people beyond the academic circle in much the same way as I used to (or perhaps even more) before I settled down into this life. I find myself taking joy in the world again, and relishing the beauty of women and nature in general. My life has (unfortunately?) taken on this carpe diem ambience, which is all the more unfortunate because I seem not to have the desire to seize the rare opportunity that has been presented before me.
I visited my old university today--such trips are good for me since they force me to remember how far I've gone in life and why I should be proud of where I am and why I should be fighting to hold this position. They are also good because I encounter the people who help mold me into the person I am today, and I thereby gain encouragement from their naked admiration and, one might even say, envy.
But after all that, after shuffling among the bookstacks that were my haunt years ago, I met someone and took her out to lunch and, while I did not spend an inordinate amount of time with her, I found myself feeling much more happy in her presence than I did among my studies. We met later in the evening as well.
On top of this, I've--to put it as obliquely as I can--met someone who has affected me like no other person in a while has affected me, although, to my great sadness, what we have discovered together probably will never come to anything tangible. There are a myriad of reasons for this, which I will not cover here. But knowing that someone like her is out there makes me a bit sad--this girl I met today, while undeniably cute and intelligent--for whatever reason does not affect me the way the other woman does.
Bah, all this talk is making me feel old. I just arrived home from the city of my old university, and I need to get back to work. But I'll keep this one updated.
I promise.
The main question that comes to mind: is this what I'm supposed to be doing? I am good at what I do--I wouldn't be here were I not. But now, after six years at university, after quarters and semesters and reading until my head hurts, I find myself unable to give my work the attention I should. In fact, I find myself spending time with people beyond the academic circle in much the same way as I used to (or perhaps even more) before I settled down into this life. I find myself taking joy in the world again, and relishing the beauty of women and nature in general. My life has (unfortunately?) taken on this carpe diem ambience, which is all the more unfortunate because I seem not to have the desire to seize the rare opportunity that has been presented before me.
I visited my old university today--such trips are good for me since they force me to remember how far I've gone in life and why I should be proud of where I am and why I should be fighting to hold this position. They are also good because I encounter the people who help mold me into the person I am today, and I thereby gain encouragement from their naked admiration and, one might even say, envy.
But after all that, after shuffling among the bookstacks that were my haunt years ago, I met someone and took her out to lunch and, while I did not spend an inordinate amount of time with her, I found myself feeling much more happy in her presence than I did among my studies. We met later in the evening as well.
On top of this, I've--to put it as obliquely as I can--met someone who has affected me like no other person in a while has affected me, although, to my great sadness, what we have discovered together probably will never come to anything tangible. There are a myriad of reasons for this, which I will not cover here. But knowing that someone like her is out there makes me a bit sad--this girl I met today, while undeniably cute and intelligent--for whatever reason does not affect me the way the other woman does.
Bah, all this talk is making me feel old. I just arrived home from the city of my old university, and I need to get back to work. But I'll keep this one updated.
I promise.
posted by Miah at 10:33 PM
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