Random Thought

It always seems that the moment of losing something incomparably beautiful, even though you knew that it probably couldn't last, always comes at the time when you need that thing the most. In despondency, you reach out for it and find it isn't there. I guess the experience is akin to visiting a cherished garden in winter: only the memory suffices to fill the absence of the blossoms and to breathe color into something dead. We tell ourselves that the memory is enough, but what a delusion this can be!

"This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but a whimper," Eliot said, and again I am reminded of how ineffably more tragic that ending truly is.

The 25th. And 4 a.m. I can't believe how close I am to going back. I'm currently on Spring Break and I'm becoming all too aware of how close I am to returning to my university. This week has been good for me, and I wish I could have another.

While I work on these taxes (I'm finally on September!),--as I said--I've been watching movies. I've now gone through Batman Begins, The Polar Express, The Godfather, and now I'm on Matrix Revolutions. The Polar Express was a special treat since I'd never seen it before. I'd stayed away from it largely as a result of reviews such as this one from the New York Times. Here's a little excerpt if you don't feel like checking the page:

Tots surely won't recognize that Santa's big entrance in front of the throngs of frenzied elves and awe-struck children directly evokes, however unconsciously, one of Hitler's Nuremberg rally entrances in Leni Riefenstahl's "Triumph of the Will." But their parents may marvel that when Santa's big red sack of toys is hoisted from factory floor to sleigh it resembles nothing so much as an airborne scrotum.

Harsh. And after watching the movie, I think overly so. (Reading reviews about bad movies is something of a hobby of mine, though--often they crack me up--it's one of my quirks.) Yes, I agree with some of the things I have read that there was something about the eyes of the characters that bordered on the freaky, but it wasn't really enough to take away from the magic of the movie, which was exceptional enough that I found myself grinning like a little boy by the end of the movie (how Dana would have loved to have seen that, I bet), even though I had guessed the ending before I saw it. If you haven't seen it, and have been wanting to see a warm Christmas movie instead of the trash that has been produced in recent years, I certainly recommend it.

Ah well, back to work. The famous Neo vs. a billion Agent Smiths is on and that just can't be missed! Hopefully I'll finish before dawn. I'll probably pop in Spiderman II after this.

Also, has anyone ever noticed how some of the music in the Matrix seems to have been inspired by Phillip Glass' work in Koyaanisqatsi?

Distractions

So here I am at my laptop, but no, I'm not studying. Instead, I'm sitting here with a check register clipped to my screen at a TV tray, watching Batman Begins over the top on a new Sony television that I recently helped my parents purchase. Indeed, that's why I'm doing this: tax time is coming up and my parents have an entire year of bookwork that I need to go through and organize...tonight. They don't know how to use QuickBooks and refuse to learn, and this has been a job of mine when I come home for several years now. Unfortunately, this year, this is a distraction I didn't need, but I see no other way around it. My only hope is to get it done soon enough that I can focus on my other work before going to bed.

A New Beginning

So here I am, starting a new blog apart from my old, rather notable one that has been dead for going on a year. In part, I intend for this to be a type of therapy: I am a 26 year old PhD student at a prestigious university on the eve of completing my oral examinations, after which I am clear to finish my working on my specializations with a clear mind. Since I now see this as such a trying time in my life, I have a desire to record my thoughts during these last few days for posterity. I offer this blog to the world both to share and simply to find any kind of advice.

The main question that comes to mind: is this what I'm supposed to be doing? I am good at what I do--I wouldn't be here were I not. But now, after six years at university, after quarters and semesters and reading until my head hurts, I find myself unable to give my work the attention I should. In fact, I find myself spending time with people beyond the academic circle in much the same way as I used to (or perhaps even more) before I settled down into this life. I find myself taking joy in the world again, and relishing the beauty of women and nature in general. My life has (unfortunately?) taken on this carpe diem ambience, which is all the more unfortunate because I seem not to have the desire to seize the rare opportunity that has been presented before me.

I visited my old university today--such trips are good for me since they force me to remember how far I've gone in life and why I should be proud of where I am and why I should be fighting to hold this position. They are also good because I encounter the people who help mold me into the person I am today, and I thereby gain encouragement from their naked admiration and, one might even say, envy.

But after all that, after shuffling among the bookstacks that were my haunt years ago, I met someone and took her out to lunch and, while I did not spend an inordinate amount of time with her, I found myself feeling much more happy in her presence than I did among my studies. We met later in the evening as well.

On top of this, I've--to put it as obliquely as I can--met someone who has affected me like no other person in a while has affected me, although, to my great sadness, what we have discovered together probably will never come to anything tangible. There are a myriad of reasons for this, which I will not cover here. But knowing that someone like her is out there makes me a bit sad--this girl I met today, while undeniably cute and intelligent--for whatever reason does not affect me the way the other woman does.

Bah, all this talk is making me feel old. I just arrived home from the city of my old university, and I need to get back to work. But I'll keep this one updated.

I promise.